It was hard to leave

I really really really did not want to leave Key West.

It's been a long time since I truly had a vacation with no worries no problem and no commitment.

K and I flew first class to Miami where we grabbed a mustang convertible and headed for the drive through the Florida Keys. We stopped for a great lunch and mojitos in Islamorada. And then we headed right in to the incredibly lavish casamarina hotel. Let the pampering begin!!!

We met a great couple from VA. And had some of the absolutely most scrumptious meals.

So here are some snip its from the vacay!!

Of course in the Florida Keys.. they celebrate Christmas just a tiny bit different than the rest of the world.. no snow.. but we did have a bubble machine running non stop to mimic the effect of snow on the beach..

Here is a glimpse of the paradise..

and then there was this guy chillin

We did some crazy stuff..
Like jet skiing 50 miles an hour out in the gulf and flipping over!!!

And then we went deep sea fishing

What would deep sea fishing be unless you caught a champion fish

and VOILA.. here is what K caught

We did up Duvall street a few nights and on the last night we took a catamaran sunset cruise.. we had perfect and I mean  absolutely perfect weather.

And now we are home .. can you say Weather Shock!!!  WHAAA.. I want to go back.

On the NSV side, I wore my swim suit proudly and looked great!!

Hugs to all and a belated Happy Holidays??

Busy, Busy.. BUSY BEEEEEE

yep, that's me...
I have been running in circles just trying to stay on top of things.

I have taken a few days vacation and have packed them with all kinds of fun things from home repairs, to mani/pedi appt and hair appt.

Christmas is going to be very understated, quiet and reserved this year.. and that's OK, its actually how I want it to be.

 On the weight loss front. UGH...  I gotta lay off on the celebration.. this weekend I had friends over and all we did was eat drink and be merry... at this pace, I will be casting for Mrs. Santa Claus.. jeans are TIGHT.. the band .. not so much..

I am still being faithful to my gym PT workouts.. my butt cheeks hurt from squats.. so I am hoping that I make it through the holiday with minimal collateral damage..

I am not sure if I will get to posting before the Christmas holiday.. if I don't I want to wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS.. I will definitely post before the new year.. headin' south baby!!!

The Gym Weight Gain Syndrome

Can you relate to this??
I am busting my butt at the gym and am now 5lbs up!!!
To put it mildly....
wTF
I know what it is that is causing the gain but I just hate seeing the number go up on the scale.
I figure that the shock of new muscles being used is playing havoc on my body.
New muscle is being built while existing muscles are being challenged

I know if I give it some time I wil see that scale start to move in the right direction

So that's the thing. I know all of this and I still fret!!!

Why??

Cause I want it now. I want results now.
Geez. It just doesn't work that way.

Back to the gym tomorrow.
I think I am liking this.

Hugs

Need the Green Jacket

How I knew I would dread these next two months
My mind has been racing these past few days
Completely revisiting last year
Where we were
What was going on
And how terribly bad Mark suffered

A total blanket of sadness surrounds me and weighs on me

I can only think to reach for Marks Green Jacket

I need that memory and the comfort of his arms

I know it is a happy season for all. I don't mean to take away from the beauty of the season. Its just not for me anymore.

I will never be able to associate this time of year with joy.

I just will not be able to leave the memory of Marks last days
And by the thoughts of how Mark suffered.

I wish you could all have known him

My sweet loving gentle Mark.

How I cherish his green jacket.

I miss his voice. And his goodnight kisses.

There will never be another Mark.

TUMMY TUCK CONSULT

Today was my trip to see Dr. M.

Dr. M, brought Thelma and Louise into my life and has been tweaking soem of the fine lines and onset of aging issues.

Today was a maintenance treatment and my TT consult.

He took some picture of T and L, as it is almost 6 months since their arrival.
I asked him what he thought.. and he nodded his head and said what do you think?

He took the 6 months photos and then proceeded to take my TT BEFORE photos.

My biggest question to him was.. what are you going to do with the port as you yank and pull those stomach muscles together...
Hmmm.. he said I would need to go in for an MRI so he could see exactly what we are dealing with the band and port positioning.. 
So thats where we are.. next step MRI.

I am looking at mid January for the procedure.. which he estimates will be a three month hanging in for recovery.  I still have all of the literature to read.. but I am ready.

I continue to go to the gym and work out with my trainer.. Um.. did I tell you I am actually 2 lbs UP!!! WTF.. that was discouraging to see.

On a different note, I finally got my PMD .. personal microderm machine.
ITs awesome.. as some of you know I am a spa junkie and a skin care junkie.
The PMD is not exactly like going to anestitician,  BUT.. it really does do a good job.

I was a big aggressive, but as long as you do a moisturizing follow up.. I think you are OK.

IT states to do it once a week and I am going to stick by that..

Alrighty.. that's about it from my part of the world.

Be well

Hugs

My Heart is Smiling

Honestly..

I feel guilty about it.. but I am happy.
Last night K told me that I am beautiful.
SMILE
He said that I am even more beautiful without make up than with make up.
SMILE
He said that he is the happiest he has been in the last 15 years
SMILE

He said his goal in life is to make me smile and make me happy.

BIG SMILE

I have never lived alone

When I look back on my years, it has dawned on me that I never lived alone.
From childhood, to college years, through marriage, I always lived with someone.
That is up until this year.

That's alot of years of knowing that another voice would be near by, in the next room, just a shout away.

I thought I would fear being alone.
But I don't
At first it seemed devastating
Hard to accept or acknowledge

It kind of went hand in hand with always putting someone in front of my own needs
now both of those factors have been removed from my life.

I dont need to think about where to put the christmas tree or what day to bake cookies or where to hid the presents.
Nope.. dont need to do that..

It's me now.
I have no one to answer to
No need to please anyone

Its sort of a second time around.
Just me.. figuring out how I want to do it over again.

I would have obviously preferred to not be in this position
But I can not change the path life has sent me down.

I am here now..

I have never lived alone

Its kind of quiet

But peaceful

Shut the Front Door!!!

Guess who has become a little gym Junkie...
ME

and Guess who is all about the steam room

ME!!

Ok, have you all frequented the steam room..
Um I am a novice.. but have come to find there must be some unwritten ettiquette to sitting in that room sweating.

I think it all starts in the prep for the sweat.
In the locker room I grab two towels
One for the bench and one to stretch across Thelma and Louise.
Of course the un garbing is an event in its self, because at some point you are stark naked.

Yeah..
That was me on Friday, as this little 80 year old lady sat across from me watching me undress.

Um.. that was creepy.. and I swear I heard her say WOW when the bra came off.. more creepiness.
So I sashayed my way to the steam room set the timer and entered.

Placed my towel (damn I should have brought 2 towels) on the bench and proceed to figure out how to sit and get myself situated so as to not offend anyone entering.

I surveyed the room (which was totally empty) and tried to figure where to position myself.

I didnt want to be the first thing new arrivals would see as they enter.

ugh.. all of this thought for a steam room.

I worried that the napkin size towel would keep Thelma and Louise in place and if I crossed my legs tight enough it would all be ok.. ugh.. why didnt I take 4 towels..

As I finally got myself situated.. the steam Filled the room, and FILLED THE ROOM to the point that I could only see 2 inches in front of my hand.

It wouldnt matter if a SWAT team entered.. no one was going to see me or any of my glory at this point..

I waited .. thinking OK.. what does one do while sweating in a steam room.
I mean there is NO music
No anything.. just the hiss of steam filling the room.

My mind was racing and then I thought to myself WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
This is supposed to be relaxing ..

Your mind is NOT supposed to race a million miles a minute.

Sit back
ReLAX
Enjoy.

Live in the moment silly girl
Live in this and in every moment.

Yes I did!!!!

I did it
I joined a gym today
AND
Hired a personal trainer
I figure if I am going to sink dollars into a tummy tuck
I might as well make an effort to get these cottage cheese thighs and ass into shape.

And

I think I will feel better about myself.
My trainers name is Matt.
 I haven't met him yet but my guess is that I am 3X his age.
He better respect his elders and not try to get this old lady to do cart wheels.
Cause that ain't happening.

Right now I am trying to pick an outfit that won't make me look too fat.
Or  normal.
I don't want him to think I am fit either.
  It's all a facade you know.
Like spanxs makes you look better than you really are.
Some workout outfits do that.
I am an overweight middle age old lady. Treat me kind.
Poor Matt.
He is going to work for his money tomorrow

Be well

Trying to Find my HEAD!!

I really really really want to write a positive post.
But I have to tell you.. if it wasn't for some current distractions.. I think I would lose my mind.

I am hurting emotionally on so many levels.

I keep reflecting.. where I was last year at this time, where my head was ...

Feeling of desperation resonate... on some level I am re living it all.

I am now completely off all meds, I found strength.. but now I am not so sure I am holding on to it.

I self examine on three levels.
Mind
Body
Spirit

Mind... trying to maintain sanity and focus to move forward
Body... trying to eat healthy and not resort to slider foods, a sign of emotional eating also trying to not throw up ever time my sanity starts to sleep
Spirit... I have grown spiritually this year... I started the year off hating God..  now I am starting to see that perhaps GOD is God for a reason.. perhaps God is giving me a reality check.

I spent Thanksgiving completely away from my family (my girls included).. not by choice.. it just is the state of things right now...

I will be spending Christmas away from them as well..
I think my girls feel I have failed them as a mother, not being their for their mourning.. perhaps they are right.. but they can't possibly know what is going on in my head..
They have been mourning the lose of their father for 11 months.. I have been mourning this lose for 6 years (since dx)..

For my sanity.. I need to move forward.. I need to be in a different place in life..

Wow.. that was alot to write and get off my chest..

I say to you.. please do not judge me... I am doing the best I can.

Refining...Redefining..

My weight has been bouncing up and down the same 2 to 3 pounds the last month or so.. I feel guilty that I am not more focused on losing these last 20 pounds or so.. but I am not..

I have spent so much of my life feeling guilty it just feels so damn good to not give a damn.

And that's where the title of this post comes into play.
I am refining my life and redefining what I want out of life.

I am becoming much more selective and not settling for things. (including people, places and things).

I am dropping any feelings of guilt.
I think my religon has ridden me with so much guilt and fear.
No more.

I have come to realize no one is going to make my life choices for me.. I am in charge of these.

I choose to have a good life and be thankful for the choices I make.

I am not obligated to follow any protocol or path, but to choose what I want to do and how I want to do it.

SO where am I going with this..

Well to be honest, I am still figuring some things out in my life... and I am still redefining who I am and when I will be at the place that makes me achieve happiness..
But the good news is that I am moving forward and I am very thankful for that..

With that final thought.. I want to wish everyone a very wonderful Thanks giving... make memories and share smiles.. thats what life is all about..

Be well..

Barbara

In the End

The Love you Make

Is EQUAL to

The Love you Take


Enough Said.....

Life... its good, but in a sweet sorrowful way..

I am a very complicated simple person.
How do you like that for a descriptor.

I still often sit is a tear filled stupor some days.. in full disbelief that I need to reset my navigation.
That all of my little girl dreams have been shattered and that I need to start over.

Its not a fun thought.
Many things are going on in my life right now.

Some of it is very painful.

But I do have one saving grace.. and that is K.

He is pretty special.

I thought for sure he would be sick to death of me talking about Mark, but he is not.
Often he cries right along side of me when I tell him of some of the things we went through together.

And then he has this teasing side where he tells me his eyes are tired from looking at pretty girls all day long, but when he sees me, he realizes there is only one beautiful girl in this world.. (geez..)

He often make the statement that he cant believe that we were able to find each so soon after each others life changing events.

I tell him I know exactly how this all came to be...
and that my friends is through Fate.

I am very convinced that my sweet Mark had something with us meeting.
That Mark could not bear to see me so sad, so lonely, so alone.

K share many qualities that Mark did.
It still freaks me out that he brings me coffee every morning and pulls my car out of the driveway for me to get off to work.
Mark did this every single morning (I never asked him to do it, he just did it).. Maybe all husbands do these, but it just seemed remarkable that K does this without me so much as hinting.

K loves many of the same exact things that Mark did.
And he loves me... that is hard to share with you.. but it is true.. He looks out for me and cares for me than I can expond upon here.

So my life is good right now, but I am sharing an incredible sadness reliving the events that happened last year at this time..

I pray that God takes care of me (and my daughters) and brings peace to each of our hearts.

Be well my friends.. its almost 2 am.. and I think my urge to rest is finally kicking in..

kind regards
Barbara

A Long Long Time Ago

Ugh.
I can not tell you how much I am dreading the next three months.. seriously

Last year feels like a long, long time ago.. but really it is only 12 months ago.

I really just want to go to sleep and wake up in March or April..... please dear God, make these months go by quickly.

So.. I have hell week going on.. I did an up and back to Boston today and have a re do on Friday.. same bat time, same bat channel... travel is getting on my nerves..
If one more person coughs on a plane without covering their mouth I am going to SCREAM.

I am already waking up in the morning with  a sore throat..

My band is so freaking tight.. I am succumbing to fluids and soup.. so tight.. dont know whats going on.. unless it is my nerves.. which is probably the reason.

At some point I have to get a new pic of myself up on the blog.. I AM VERY BLONDE.. Like platinum.. OMG.. don't ask me why.. I just said.. I am doing it..

alright.. I probably should stop rambling and just go to sleep...

sweet dreams everyone.

Yeah...Um.. I'm Still Alive

Ok, So I have totally sucked at blogging.
There are a whole F#ck load of reasons...

1. My Job-  I am travelling non stop;  I am about to take a huge career leap and seriously ... they have me attending internal and external exec meetings.... totally a time suck

2. Shopping - it is an absolute transfer addiction.. I am NOT kidding you I have purchased at least 20 winter coats from faux fur vests, to North Face, to beautiful shearling coats... I am totally addicted and yes, the same goes in the winter boots depart.

3. I totally changed my hair color (picture to follow).

4.. My personal life -  it's freakin awesome

5. I am looking at buying a house in the Florida Keys (this one is too long to explain here and I write a separate post when the deal is done).

6. Despite Items 1 through 5... I am reliving last year at this time.. and it totally is an emotional vortex.  I re read all of my posts... and shake my head, because the words are so vivid. 

So there you have it.. My life in 6 little entries.

BTW,  my freaking band life is wonderful too.. I am now in Size 8..(bottoms) and I still need L tops because Thelma and Louise are prominent.. I love them, and am ecstatic... I am saving my pennies for my TT which should happen next year..

I am getting ready for my little Key West vacay...

Hugs to all of you.. I miss you gals

B

Talk about Flip Flop

I took down my post from yesterday..

I am so confused and so much for hold to my guns.

I am weak.. either that or truly in love.

Good lord, where is my first cup of coffee.

Have a great day, weekend.. what ever you do... remember to Live in the Moment..

B

Negotiating with God

Have you ever just tried to negotiate with God?

Well, I didn't quite mean negotiate. maybe more of a plead..or hope or a prayer or trust pack.

Tonight I will be going to a mass to remember Mark.
I am stressing a bit, because as I type this I am sucking down my lunch and hoping to catch my flight in time to actually make it to the church on time.

I do not want to miss this Mass.

But tonight, I am going to ask God to help me understand to figure something out.

You see, the lady across the street is 34, now is at stage IV cancer, it has entered her brain, she has two small children and not much time.. Chemo has been withheld.

I figure I have had my kids, had the best marriage in the whole world.. successful career.. been to many places, have many things.. I have had a good life.

So why not swap..

If God could only take my time left and give it to her..

It's a win win.

I get to see Mark again, she gets to spend time getting to see her kids grow up..

Life is not Fair.. I am only trying to be fair..

Tuesday is Going to be a Good Day DAMNIT!!

I have been up since 2 am.
Can't sleep.
I am in Montreal.
I had a business dinner last night with a group of execs.
Of course, I got the usual comments on my eating "is there something wrong with your meal"

NO!  there is nothing wrong with my meal, I have a fucking gastric band that only lets me eat so much, OK are you happy you asked ... is what I thought as I shyly shook my head no...

Big business meeting this morning.
My head is whirling with thoughts.

It's actually quite warm in  Montreal
Especially after the crappy weather we had in the mid Atlantic.
Many of my work colleagues still have no power.

The upside for me today is that I have a kick ass black suit I am going to wear with high heeled black swede boots with silver buckles and a crisp white blouse.

This girl is working her fashion.
I also just bought a new coat from www.bluckduckshearling,com  (black of course).

I own so much black, its only appropriate that I am a widow..
One of these days I am going to get some color on my body.

I am also counting down the days till my trip to key west.

And I have decided I am going to spend thanksgiving by myself and am seeking out a place (shelter, soup kitchen) where I can put my limited talents to use to help those less fortunate..
I like it when I plan!!!

And one last bit of news... one of my directors is going to have her baby (c-section) on 11/11/11.
I am so freakin excited for her!!

Alright off to the showers I go..

Have a good day DAMN IT!!!

HAPPY BANDIVERSARY TO ME!!!

Tomorrow will be my two year bandiversary.

It's so hard to believe that it has been two whole years.
When I look back on my experience I make three distinct observations.

The first six months were really the worse.
I wasn't losing record amounts of weight, I couldn't eat my favorite foods (hoagies, steak sandwiches, soft pretzels) that I had turned to for so many years and I started to question if I made the right decision..

The second six months I found to be rewarding.
I actually came to the realization that sliders (insert ice cream) foods needed to be replaced with solid protein if I was going to do this right.
I also realized that the band is a tool and not a magic wand.
I remember  wondering withevery fill if this is what it feels like to have restriction.  It wasn't until the end of the first year (maybe around August) that I realized, I am there..

The second year was probably a mix bag.  Shit happened in my Life and I lost a large majority of my weight simply because no matter what I ate, I threw up.. it was my nerves not my restriction.

What I also realized is that along with my large weight loss, I also lost a lot of muscle mass. 
That was not good. 

I look back now and realize that I did not monitor my protein intake. 
Still, to this very day, I have  a hard time getting all of my protein in for the day (some days its a trade off).

I have given up my most favorite food.. Ice Cream
It is band friendly, but it was like crack to me.
I ate a lot of ice cream that first year, and when I lost my urge to eat in the second year.. out went the ice cream..
I can honestly say I have finally lost the desire to eat ice cream.. a taste maybe but not the pint or half gallon feasts I used to have.

The band has made eating a bit trendy (small plates).. 
I certainly am happy with my choice as I reflect on my decision.

Has it changed my life... I can't say for sure because my life has changed so much.. but I never thought I would be able to walk into a store like White House/Black Market and shop.
Or even better, wear a pair of shoes that weren't W or WW.

Have a great weekend.. you know snow is coming our way!!

Hugs
Barbara

Putting the Pieces Together

Have you heard these song lyrics  " I can see clearly now that the rain is gone"

Yep, that's where I am in life..
It is probably a combination of things that allow me to claim and hold onto that line.
Life Events,  My age, knowing what I DON'T want in life..and being open minded enough to allow new things to enter my life.

Who knew that I would love guacamole.
Who knew that I would ever be excited to change rooms around, let things go that I have held onto forever.
Who knew that I would ever get my little girl giggle back and enjoy an entire day in bed again.

My life is by no means that perfect or stable... still many pieces floating around as I try to figure out how they should come together... the puzzle of my life.

When K and I met, we had an agreement on what we wanted, and that we both we clear on our stance that we are not looking for marriage, but perhaps a long term relationship if it developed that way.

At dinner the other night, I don't recall what prompted to bring that discussion up again, but it did come up.  And I again said, yes that was my recall and I am very comfortable with that.. I had the best marriage in the world, I am not looking for another trip down the aisle..

K (who was the one most insistent on this point), said "really, you would not marry me if I asked you"...

WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um, what..at that moment I thought I was going to pass out (and no it wasn't the wine).
At that moment, I felt like I was hit by a bus.
Don't ask me why, but I said , No... I won't marry again.

I know I caused him to hurt...but honestly...as weird as this may sound, I already have my name on Mark's grave stone.. ready to be placed in the same resting place... This was one piece of my puzzle that I was absolutely sure had been placed on the table, set in stone (literally).

First, I know you will all say, its way too soon to even think this way. (I agree)
BUT, I will tell you, my relationship with K feels so good, so natural.

I try desperately to sort out my emotions,  do I feel this way because the last 6 years of my life were consumed with fear and worry and now that has been lifted and I can feel a fresh breeze glide across my face.

Please do not think I am over my grieving.... I am not... I have been on meds to pull me out of the deep hole of depression... but I now feel I can face life.... sort out the challenges presented to me and
and set my life GPS...

My decision to get the band, get boobs, enter into a relationship... pack things up and go away for a holiday without asking or informing family member.. these are all things I would have NEVER allowed to pass through my brain.

The hesitations to take risk or "wait till later" have been removed... I am living and picking up the pieces one at a time.

So much of my life is still unknown... and perhaps I have been selfish in some of my thinking... I think some of my recent actions where part of my survival tactics... and not allowing myself to feel true grief... who knows.. I can't look back.

All I can tell you is that its important to look at your life and figure our where you are and what truly makes you happy... and remember there is a lot of noise that impacts how we think...

So there you have it .. picking up and putting the pieces together ... one at a time..

Be well

I am a COSMETIC JUNKY - THERE NOW YOU KNOW!!

I will be the first to admit it...

I am a cosmetic junky.. seriously, I have a problem, and I have had it for  years...

BUT.. I think through all of my years of navigating and trying to break the habit.. I have come up with some 5 star winners that I want to share with all of you.. these are my true testaments that these products deliver,  and just to prove to you that my experiments are truly scientifically based, I want to show you my testing laboratory so you don't think this a bullshit post... are you with me...

Laboratory 1 - the cosmetic bench

Ok, this is where all of the products come in and are very carefully inventoried, sorted and aligned

The same very meticulous process happens for hair care products.

AND if they are deemed worthy.. they are transported to the testing chamber.

Now, I have to be very upfront to tell you there are some five star ****** products are MUST haves in my arsenal of products and here they are...

MAKE UP REMOVER:

I buy the gigantic size bottle, it comes with an easy dispenser pump and I LOVE this stuff. It takes off the most stubborn eye makeup, eyeliner and mascara.. LOVE IT..  It is made by Philosophy and I get it on auto delivery from QVC, best price around.

OK, this next product is a NEW FIND.. and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

It is from ORO GOLD and yes it has 24K gold in it, but it is the absolutely BEST exfoliating I have EVER EVER found.  And believe me girls, I have had microdermabrasion out the ying yang, and all kind of retinol peels... this stuff is the BOMB!.. I am addicted to it.. The down side it is $$$$$.  Like over $100 for this small container.. I tried to buy some over the internet but beware, what I received at a cheaper price was NOT the same product.. I even got Sandy to buy some and you can get her testimony but this is the best...

When you apply this to your skin you will immediately experience the exfoliating effect. and will leave you with a smooth skin to apply your other products on.  Truth be told they recommend using twice a week, I use it every day..

My next Fav product is from of all places ... TARGET..

The Brand is No 7 and is called Protect & Perfect.

It is my favorite out of the shower and seal in moisture to my face and neck area. It's wonderful and very affordable.

For my night time routine I use a fairly new to market product from Neutrogena

This product has a retinol component, I use it at night and really is a bit stronger than most topical retinol products.. you can buy it at Sephora or Ulta, but again I buy it on QVC, best price I have found around and I again have the large bottle size.

Alright.. a bit about about make up..

I absolutely love the STILLA product line..

This particular product has all of the fall colors and comes with an eyeliner.

Now I don't know about you .. but my eyeliner comes off within the first few hours.

STILLA eyeliner stays on till the end of the day. My favorite shade is call LionFish, a metallic brown, love love love this product line.

As far as foundation, I have tried them all .. mineral based powders, smashbox, Dior, bottom line I use maybelline.. it covers and stays.. I do use Mally powder to seal the deal..

It terms of blush.. here is my FAV

It doesn't come through the photo well

But it is a mix of colors that allows for a nice bronzing color balance, the product is from a company called Two-Faced.

OK, onto the Hair..

I have three products to share..

One is for in shower and two are for out of shower

The in shower product is from Aveeno.

Love it.. it gives my hair a shine that feels like you just stepped out of the saloon.

It's rather hard to find.. and to be honest I can't remember where I got it.. I use it sparingly.

The next product is called IT'S a 10

This is a spray, leave in condition, gets the tangles OUT and is wonderful

Its a bit pricey.. but it goes a long long way...

The last leave in hair product I use is a keratin product

It is wonderful and I use it faithfully all the time.

So there you have it .. the best of my arsenal of beauty products..

SO I will continue to pursue and try stuff out and let you know.

Hope you found this to be interesting if not entertaining.

Hugs

Barbara

You Know What Sucks??

Ok, I am overly cranky today.
We did more layoffs at work.

It totally sucks.

How the hell are people surviving that are getting laid off?
I just don't get this economy, why isn't someone doing something.
God LORD I can only shop at TJ MAXX so much to help stimulate the country!!!!

I am also working with my accountant and financial planner,
And it totally sucks as well.

He reminds me that I need X amount of dollars to live X amount of years and I will have to cut back on X of this if I want to maintain X of that.

F that.

That's exactly what I did before, and I missed out on life.

No more.. I will roll the dice and take my chances.

This chicka is going to go places, do things, take chances.

My obligations are so streamlined now... what;s the worst that can happen?

I am totally stalled at weight loss now and you know why..

Peanut M&M's!!

I bought the big bag and ate half of it.
What is wrong with me..
I am still the old, stuff your face full of crap me.

Slap some new boobs and make up on me and it's still stress eater me!!!

Alright... I am going out with K tonight for dinner... that should give at least one of us a happing ending to the day!

Starting Over

I have decided to close out and take down my blog on My Body, My Band, My Rant.
I need to do this.. for many reasons, but mainly because I need to start a new life for myself.

Wednesday will be 9 months since Mark died.
There are no words to describe the absolute trauma my life has experienced in the last 6 years.
Always knowing that some day, one day he would die.
And now he is dead.
And now I am left to live.

I can tell you that I have  had very dark feelings in the months post Mark's death
Discussions about whether or not I wanted to live and move on with life.
Why would I..
Why should I

But I am past those dark days.
I have met someone who makes me smile.
My children have not accepted this.. although I hope they realize that I need to move on.

So, with my new start in life.. I have decided to call my blog : The Next 30 Years..

Yes, I will still write about the band, and rant a bit.. but my topics will be a little more diverse.

I hope you all follow me again..
I plan to be as frank and honest about life topics as I can..

Hugs to you all.
Be well
Barbara