HAPPY BANDIVERSARY TO ME!!!

Tomorrow will be my two year bandiversary.

It's so hard to believe that it has been two whole years.
When I look back on my experience I make three distinct observations.

The first six months were really the worse.
I wasn't losing record amounts of weight, I couldn't eat my favorite foods (hoagies, steak sandwiches, soft pretzels) that I had turned to for so many years and I started to question if I made the right decision..

The second six months I found to be rewarding.
I actually came to the realization that sliders (insert ice cream) foods needed to be replaced with solid protein if I was going to do this right.
I also realized that the band is a tool and not a magic wand.
I remember  wondering withevery fill if this is what it feels like to have restriction.  It wasn't until the end of the first year (maybe around August) that I realized, I am there..

The second year was probably a mix bag.  Shit happened in my Life and I lost a large majority of my weight simply because no matter what I ate, I threw up.. it was my nerves not my restriction.

What I also realized is that along with my large weight loss, I also lost a lot of muscle mass. 
That was not good. 

I look back now and realize that I did not monitor my protein intake. 
Still, to this very day, I have  a hard time getting all of my protein in for the day (some days its a trade off).

I have given up my most favorite food.. Ice Cream
It is band friendly, but it was like crack to me.
I ate a lot of ice cream that first year, and when I lost my urge to eat in the second year.. out went the ice cream..
I can honestly say I have finally lost the desire to eat ice cream.. a taste maybe but not the pint or half gallon feasts I used to have.

The band has made eating a bit trendy (small plates).. 
I certainly am happy with my choice as I reflect on my decision.

Has it changed my life... I can't say for sure because my life has changed so much.. but I never thought I would be able to walk into a store like White House/Black Market and shop.
Or even better, wear a pair of shoes that weren't W or WW.

Have a great weekend.. you know snow is coming our way!!

Hugs
Barbara

Putting the Pieces Together

Have you heard these song lyrics  " I can see clearly now that the rain is gone"

Yep, that's where I am in life..
It is probably a combination of things that allow me to claim and hold onto that line.
Life Events,  My age, knowing what I DON'T want in life..and being open minded enough to allow new things to enter my life.

Who knew that I would love guacamole.
Who knew that I would ever be excited to change rooms around, let things go that I have held onto forever.
Who knew that I would ever get my little girl giggle back and enjoy an entire day in bed again.

My life is by no means that perfect or stable... still many pieces floating around as I try to figure out how they should come together... the puzzle of my life.

When K and I met, we had an agreement on what we wanted, and that we both we clear on our stance that we are not looking for marriage, but perhaps a long term relationship if it developed that way.

At dinner the other night, I don't recall what prompted to bring that discussion up again, but it did come up.  And I again said, yes that was my recall and I am very comfortable with that.. I had the best marriage in the world, I am not looking for another trip down the aisle..

K (who was the one most insistent on this point), said "really, you would not marry me if I asked you"...

WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um, what..at that moment I thought I was going to pass out (and no it wasn't the wine).
At that moment, I felt like I was hit by a bus.
Don't ask me why, but I said , No... I won't marry again.

I know I caused him to hurt...but honestly...as weird as this may sound, I already have my name on Mark's grave stone.. ready to be placed in the same resting place... This was one piece of my puzzle that I was absolutely sure had been placed on the table, set in stone (literally).

First, I know you will all say, its way too soon to even think this way. (I agree)
BUT, I will tell you, my relationship with K feels so good, so natural.

I try desperately to sort out my emotions,  do I feel this way because the last 6 years of my life were consumed with fear and worry and now that has been lifted and I can feel a fresh breeze glide across my face.

Please do not think I am over my grieving.... I am not... I have been on meds to pull me out of the deep hole of depression... but I now feel I can face life.... sort out the challenges presented to me and
and set my life GPS...

My decision to get the band, get boobs, enter into a relationship... pack things up and go away for a holiday without asking or informing family member.. these are all things I would have NEVER allowed to pass through my brain.

The hesitations to take risk or "wait till later" have been removed... I am living and picking up the pieces one at a time.

So much of my life is still unknown... and perhaps I have been selfish in some of my thinking... I think some of my recent actions where part of my survival tactics... and not allowing myself to feel true grief... who knows.. I can't look back.

All I can tell you is that its important to look at your life and figure our where you are and what truly makes you happy... and remember there is a lot of noise that impacts how we think...

So there you have it .. picking up and putting the pieces together ... one at a time..

Be well

I am a COSMETIC JUNKY - THERE NOW YOU KNOW!!

I will be the first to admit it...

I am a cosmetic junky.. seriously, I have a problem, and I have had it for  years...

BUT.. I think through all of my years of navigating and trying to break the habit.. I have come up with some 5 star winners that I want to share with all of you.. these are my true testaments that these products deliver,  and just to prove to you that my experiments are truly scientifically based, I want to show you my testing laboratory so you don't think this a bullshit post... are you with me...

Laboratory 1 - the cosmetic bench

Ok, this is where all of the products come in and are very carefully inventoried, sorted and aligned

The same very meticulous process happens for hair care products.

AND if they are deemed worthy.. they are transported to the testing chamber.

Now, I have to be very upfront to tell you there are some five star ****** products are MUST haves in my arsenal of products and here they are...

MAKE UP REMOVER:

I buy the gigantic size bottle, it comes with an easy dispenser pump and I LOVE this stuff. It takes off the most stubborn eye makeup, eyeliner and mascara.. LOVE IT..  It is made by Philosophy and I get it on auto delivery from QVC, best price around.

OK, this next product is a NEW FIND.. and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

It is from ORO GOLD and yes it has 24K gold in it, but it is the absolutely BEST exfoliating I have EVER EVER found.  And believe me girls, I have had microdermabrasion out the ying yang, and all kind of retinol peels... this stuff is the BOMB!.. I am addicted to it.. The down side it is $$$$$.  Like over $100 for this small container.. I tried to buy some over the internet but beware, what I received at a cheaper price was NOT the same product.. I even got Sandy to buy some and you can get her testimony but this is the best...

When you apply this to your skin you will immediately experience the exfoliating effect. and will leave you with a smooth skin to apply your other products on.  Truth be told they recommend using twice a week, I use it every day..

My next Fav product is from of all places ... TARGET..

The Brand is No 7 and is called Protect & Perfect.

It is my favorite out of the shower and seal in moisture to my face and neck area. It's wonderful and very affordable.

For my night time routine I use a fairly new to market product from Neutrogena

This product has a retinol component, I use it at night and really is a bit stronger than most topical retinol products.. you can buy it at Sephora or Ulta, but again I buy it on QVC, best price I have found around and I again have the large bottle size.

Alright.. a bit about about make up..

I absolutely love the STILLA product line..

This particular product has all of the fall colors and comes with an eyeliner.

Now I don't know about you .. but my eyeliner comes off within the first few hours.

STILLA eyeliner stays on till the end of the day. My favorite shade is call LionFish, a metallic brown, love love love this product line.

As far as foundation, I have tried them all .. mineral based powders, smashbox, Dior, bottom line I use maybelline.. it covers and stays.. I do use Mally powder to seal the deal..

It terms of blush.. here is my FAV

It doesn't come through the photo well

But it is a mix of colors that allows for a nice bronzing color balance, the product is from a company called Two-Faced.

OK, onto the Hair..

I have three products to share..

One is for in shower and two are for out of shower

The in shower product is from Aveeno.

Love it.. it gives my hair a shine that feels like you just stepped out of the saloon.

It's rather hard to find.. and to be honest I can't remember where I got it.. I use it sparingly.

The next product is called IT'S a 10

This is a spray, leave in condition, gets the tangles OUT and is wonderful

Its a bit pricey.. but it goes a long long way...

The last leave in hair product I use is a keratin product

It is wonderful and I use it faithfully all the time.

So there you have it .. the best of my arsenal of beauty products..

SO I will continue to pursue and try stuff out and let you know.

Hope you found this to be interesting if not entertaining.

Hugs

Barbara

You Know What Sucks??

Ok, I am overly cranky today.
We did more layoffs at work.

It totally sucks.

How the hell are people surviving that are getting laid off?
I just don't get this economy, why isn't someone doing something.
God LORD I can only shop at TJ MAXX so much to help stimulate the country!!!!

I am also working with my accountant and financial planner,
And it totally sucks as well.

He reminds me that I need X amount of dollars to live X amount of years and I will have to cut back on X of this if I want to maintain X of that.

F that.

That's exactly what I did before, and I missed out on life.

No more.. I will roll the dice and take my chances.

This chicka is going to go places, do things, take chances.

My obligations are so streamlined now... what;s the worst that can happen?

I am totally stalled at weight loss now and you know why..

Peanut M&M's!!

I bought the big bag and ate half of it.
What is wrong with me..
I am still the old, stuff your face full of crap me.

Slap some new boobs and make up on me and it's still stress eater me!!!

Alright... I am going out with K tonight for dinner... that should give at least one of us a happing ending to the day!

Starting Over

I have decided to close out and take down my blog on My Body, My Band, My Rant.
I need to do this.. for many reasons, but mainly because I need to start a new life for myself.

Wednesday will be 9 months since Mark died.
There are no words to describe the absolute trauma my life has experienced in the last 6 years.
Always knowing that some day, one day he would die.
And now he is dead.
And now I am left to live.

I can tell you that I have  had very dark feelings in the months post Mark's death
Discussions about whether or not I wanted to live and move on with life.
Why would I..
Why should I

But I am past those dark days.
I have met someone who makes me smile.
My children have not accepted this.. although I hope they realize that I need to move on.

So, with my new start in life.. I have decided to call my blog : The Next 30 Years..

Yes, I will still write about the band, and rant a bit.. but my topics will be a little more diverse.

I hope you all follow me again..
I plan to be as frank and honest about life topics as I can..

Hugs to you all.
Be well
Barbara