Yes I did!!!!

I did it
I joined a gym today
AND
Hired a personal trainer
I figure if I am going to sink dollars into a tummy tuck
I might as well make an effort to get these cottage cheese thighs and ass into shape.

And

I think I will feel better about myself.
My trainers name is Matt.
 I haven't met him yet but my guess is that I am 3X his age.
He better respect his elders and not try to get this old lady to do cart wheels.
Cause that ain't happening.

Right now I am trying to pick an outfit that won't make me look too fat.
Or  normal.
I don't want him to think I am fit either.
  It's all a facade you know.
Like spanxs makes you look better than you really are.
Some workout outfits do that.
I am an overweight middle age old lady. Treat me kind.
Poor Matt.
He is going to work for his money tomorrow

Be well

Trying to Find my HEAD!!

I really really really want to write a positive post.
But I have to tell you.. if it wasn't for some current distractions.. I think I would lose my mind.

I am hurting emotionally on so many levels.

I keep reflecting.. where I was last year at this time, where my head was ...

Feeling of desperation resonate... on some level I am re living it all.

I am now completely off all meds, I found strength.. but now I am not so sure I am holding on to it.

I self examine on three levels.
Mind
Body
Spirit

Mind... trying to maintain sanity and focus to move forward
Body... trying to eat healthy and not resort to slider foods, a sign of emotional eating also trying to not throw up ever time my sanity starts to sleep
Spirit... I have grown spiritually this year... I started the year off hating God..  now I am starting to see that perhaps GOD is God for a reason.. perhaps God is giving me a reality check.

I spent Thanksgiving completely away from my family (my girls included).. not by choice.. it just is the state of things right now...

I will be spending Christmas away from them as well..
I think my girls feel I have failed them as a mother, not being their for their mourning.. perhaps they are right.. but they can't possibly know what is going on in my head..
They have been mourning the lose of their father for 11 months.. I have been mourning this lose for 6 years (since dx)..

For my sanity.. I need to move forward.. I need to be in a different place in life..

Wow.. that was alot to write and get off my chest..

I say to you.. please do not judge me... I am doing the best I can.

Refining...Redefining..

My weight has been bouncing up and down the same 2 to 3 pounds the last month or so.. I feel guilty that I am not more focused on losing these last 20 pounds or so.. but I am not..

I have spent so much of my life feeling guilty it just feels so damn good to not give a damn.

And that's where the title of this post comes into play.
I am refining my life and redefining what I want out of life.

I am becoming much more selective and not settling for things. (including people, places and things).

I am dropping any feelings of guilt.
I think my religon has ridden me with so much guilt and fear.
No more.

I have come to realize no one is going to make my life choices for me.. I am in charge of these.

I choose to have a good life and be thankful for the choices I make.

I am not obligated to follow any protocol or path, but to choose what I want to do and how I want to do it.

SO where am I going with this..

Well to be honest, I am still figuring some things out in my life... and I am still redefining who I am and when I will be at the place that makes me achieve happiness..
But the good news is that I am moving forward and I am very thankful for that..

With that final thought.. I want to wish everyone a very wonderful Thanks giving... make memories and share smiles.. thats what life is all about..

Be well..

Barbara

In the End

The Love you Make

Is EQUAL to

The Love you Take


Enough Said.....

Life... its good, but in a sweet sorrowful way..

I am a very complicated simple person.
How do you like that for a descriptor.

I still often sit is a tear filled stupor some days.. in full disbelief that I need to reset my navigation.
That all of my little girl dreams have been shattered and that I need to start over.

Its not a fun thought.
Many things are going on in my life right now.

Some of it is very painful.

But I do have one saving grace.. and that is K.

He is pretty special.

I thought for sure he would be sick to death of me talking about Mark, but he is not.
Often he cries right along side of me when I tell him of some of the things we went through together.

And then he has this teasing side where he tells me his eyes are tired from looking at pretty girls all day long, but when he sees me, he realizes there is only one beautiful girl in this world.. (geez..)

He often make the statement that he cant believe that we were able to find each so soon after each others life changing events.

I tell him I know exactly how this all came to be...
and that my friends is through Fate.

I am very convinced that my sweet Mark had something with us meeting.
That Mark could not bear to see me so sad, so lonely, so alone.

K share many qualities that Mark did.
It still freaks me out that he brings me coffee every morning and pulls my car out of the driveway for me to get off to work.
Mark did this every single morning (I never asked him to do it, he just did it).. Maybe all husbands do these, but it just seemed remarkable that K does this without me so much as hinting.

K loves many of the same exact things that Mark did.
And he loves me... that is hard to share with you.. but it is true.. He looks out for me and cares for me than I can expond upon here.

So my life is good right now, but I am sharing an incredible sadness reliving the events that happened last year at this time..

I pray that God takes care of me (and my daughters) and brings peace to each of our hearts.

Be well my friends.. its almost 2 am.. and I think my urge to rest is finally kicking in..

kind regards
Barbara

A Long Long Time Ago

Ugh.
I can not tell you how much I am dreading the next three months.. seriously

Last year feels like a long, long time ago.. but really it is only 12 months ago.

I really just want to go to sleep and wake up in March or April..... please dear God, make these months go by quickly.

So.. I have hell week going on.. I did an up and back to Boston today and have a re do on Friday.. same bat time, same bat channel... travel is getting on my nerves..
If one more person coughs on a plane without covering their mouth I am going to SCREAM.

I am already waking up in the morning with  a sore throat..

My band is so freaking tight.. I am succumbing to fluids and soup.. so tight.. dont know whats going on.. unless it is my nerves.. which is probably the reason.

At some point I have to get a new pic of myself up on the blog.. I AM VERY BLONDE.. Like platinum.. OMG.. don't ask me why.. I just said.. I am doing it..

alright.. I probably should stop rambling and just go to sleep...

sweet dreams everyone.

Yeah...Um.. I'm Still Alive

Ok, So I have totally sucked at blogging.
There are a whole F#ck load of reasons...

1. My Job-  I am travelling non stop;  I am about to take a huge career leap and seriously ... they have me attending internal and external exec meetings.... totally a time suck

2. Shopping - it is an absolute transfer addiction.. I am NOT kidding you I have purchased at least 20 winter coats from faux fur vests, to North Face, to beautiful shearling coats... I am totally addicted and yes, the same goes in the winter boots depart.

3. I totally changed my hair color (picture to follow).

4.. My personal life -  it's freakin awesome

5. I am looking at buying a house in the Florida Keys (this one is too long to explain here and I write a separate post when the deal is done).

6. Despite Items 1 through 5... I am reliving last year at this time.. and it totally is an emotional vortex.  I re read all of my posts... and shake my head, because the words are so vivid. 

So there you have it.. My life in 6 little entries.

BTW,  my freaking band life is wonderful too.. I am now in Size 8..(bottoms) and I still need L tops because Thelma and Louise are prominent.. I love them, and am ecstatic... I am saving my pennies for my TT which should happen next year..

I am getting ready for my little Key West vacay...

Hugs to all of you.. I miss you gals

B

Talk about Flip Flop

I took down my post from yesterday..

I am so confused and so much for hold to my guns.

I am weak.. either that or truly in love.

Good lord, where is my first cup of coffee.

Have a great day, weekend.. what ever you do... remember to Live in the Moment..

B

Negotiating with God

Have you ever just tried to negotiate with God?

Well, I didn't quite mean negotiate. maybe more of a plead..or hope or a prayer or trust pack.

Tonight I will be going to a mass to remember Mark.
I am stressing a bit, because as I type this I am sucking down my lunch and hoping to catch my flight in time to actually make it to the church on time.

I do not want to miss this Mass.

But tonight, I am going to ask God to help me understand to figure something out.

You see, the lady across the street is 34, now is at stage IV cancer, it has entered her brain, she has two small children and not much time.. Chemo has been withheld.

I figure I have had my kids, had the best marriage in the whole world.. successful career.. been to many places, have many things.. I have had a good life.

So why not swap..

If God could only take my time left and give it to her..

It's a win win.

I get to see Mark again, she gets to spend time getting to see her kids grow up..

Life is not Fair.. I am only trying to be fair..

Tuesday is Going to be a Good Day DAMNIT!!

I have been up since 2 am.
Can't sleep.
I am in Montreal.
I had a business dinner last night with a group of execs.
Of course, I got the usual comments on my eating "is there something wrong with your meal"

NO!  there is nothing wrong with my meal, I have a fucking gastric band that only lets me eat so much, OK are you happy you asked ... is what I thought as I shyly shook my head no...

Big business meeting this morning.
My head is whirling with thoughts.

It's actually quite warm in  Montreal
Especially after the crappy weather we had in the mid Atlantic.
Many of my work colleagues still have no power.

The upside for me today is that I have a kick ass black suit I am going to wear with high heeled black swede boots with silver buckles and a crisp white blouse.

This girl is working her fashion.
I also just bought a new coat from www.bluckduckshearling,com  (black of course).

I own so much black, its only appropriate that I am a widow..
One of these days I am going to get some color on my body.

I am also counting down the days till my trip to key west.

And I have decided I am going to spend thanksgiving by myself and am seeking out a place (shelter, soup kitchen) where I can put my limited talents to use to help those less fortunate..
I like it when I plan!!!

And one last bit of news... one of my directors is going to have her baby (c-section) on 11/11/11.
I am so freakin excited for her!!

Alright off to the showers I go..

Have a good day DAMN IT!!!