Putting the Pieces Together

Have you heard these song lyrics  " I can see clearly now that the rain is gone"

Yep, that's where I am in life..
It is probably a combination of things that allow me to claim and hold onto that line.
Life Events,  My age, knowing what I DON'T want in life..and being open minded enough to allow new things to enter my life.

Who knew that I would love guacamole.
Who knew that I would ever be excited to change rooms around, let things go that I have held onto forever.
Who knew that I would ever get my little girl giggle back and enjoy an entire day in bed again.

My life is by no means that perfect or stable... still many pieces floating around as I try to figure out how they should come together... the puzzle of my life.

When K and I met, we had an agreement on what we wanted, and that we both we clear on our stance that we are not looking for marriage, but perhaps a long term relationship if it developed that way.

At dinner the other night, I don't recall what prompted to bring that discussion up again, but it did come up.  And I again said, yes that was my recall and I am very comfortable with that.. I had the best marriage in the world, I am not looking for another trip down the aisle..

K (who was the one most insistent on this point), said "really, you would not marry me if I asked you"...

WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um, what..at that moment I thought I was going to pass out (and no it wasn't the wine).
At that moment, I felt like I was hit by a bus.
Don't ask me why, but I said , No... I won't marry again.

I know I caused him to hurt...but honestly...as weird as this may sound, I already have my name on Mark's grave stone.. ready to be placed in the same resting place... This was one piece of my puzzle that I was absolutely sure had been placed on the table, set in stone (literally).

First, I know you will all say, its way too soon to even think this way. (I agree)
BUT, I will tell you, my relationship with K feels so good, so natural.

I try desperately to sort out my emotions,  do I feel this way because the last 6 years of my life were consumed with fear and worry and now that has been lifted and I can feel a fresh breeze glide across my face.

Please do not think I am over my grieving.... I am not... I have been on meds to pull me out of the deep hole of depression... but I now feel I can face life.... sort out the challenges presented to me and
and set my life GPS...

My decision to get the band, get boobs, enter into a relationship... pack things up and go away for a holiday without asking or informing family member.. these are all things I would have NEVER allowed to pass through my brain.

The hesitations to take risk or "wait till later" have been removed... I am living and picking up the pieces one at a time.

So much of my life is still unknown... and perhaps I have been selfish in some of my thinking... I think some of my recent actions where part of my survival tactics... and not allowing myself to feel true grief... who knows.. I can't look back.

All I can tell you is that its important to look at your life and figure our where you are and what truly makes you happy... and remember there is a lot of noise that impacts how we think...

So there you have it .. picking up and putting the pieces together ... one at a time..

Be well