Dark Days

Do you ever just have dark days.

I do.

I battle the overwhelming feeling of grief.

I try so hard to move forward, but still have days where grief consumes me.

I think I cope fairly well, particularly when I  see how other widows deal with grief.

I try to relfect on all that was good in my life.

The fact that I have a new grandson on the way makes me smile more than anything I have felt in the last 2+ years.

I only wish that Mark could be here to experience the joy that this will bring.

Its a very hard emotion to balance.

Reflection on what was and what will be.

I thank God for the blessings, but still struggle with the fact that my husband is gone.

I want to be positive and focus on the future.

I think I have found someone one that will make me feel safe, secure and loved.

But it will never be the way it was.

So today, I feel the weight of the dark days.

Tomorrow will be different.

I never ever want to forget the ture love I had with Mark.

It was an incredible love that will be with me forever.

It is something that I wish all can experience.

I was blessed.

be well

Life. Always throwing you surprises

I have very little down time these days

That's a good thing because it takes my mind off of things. AND

It's a bad thing because my mind does not fully vet or face the harsh realities and decisions I need to make.

Avoidance is a much easier path in life.

I have a great opportunity right now to pick up and move.

I dread not the relaxation but the physical challenge of the move.

In reality there is not much holding me back in life.

Relationships come and go.

Family, well that's a post for another time ( not today)

I certainly do not feel compelled to stay here and I have great opportunities that have been presented in front of me.

I have neighbors watching for when the "for sale" sign will go up, yet I do not know that I am ready yet. I day dream about the need to get a large dumpster or have a fire sale of my current possessions.

Its all materialistic at this point.  Who really cares, you can't take any of this "stuff" with you when you die.

I have no legacies to leave behind, no grand children to bestow upon , so the reality is there is nothing holding me back from moving forward.

The only real issue I have is that I would rather be moving south than north.

I despise cold weather. But if I can convince myself this is a short term inconvience I will be ok.

So here I sit in decision mode.  Move stay or punt.

It weighs heavily on my mind.

But this too shall pass.

Be well

When you wish upon a star

When you look up into the sky tonight or tomorrow,
Please send off a soft kiss to the twinkling star to the far left.

That will be Mark shining down upon you...

My dear sweet Mark..

Mark will have his one year anniversay as a twinkling star in heaven on Thursday..

I love you Mark..

Private Diaries

Do you ever just feel like letting it all go and use your blog as a private diary?

Sometimes I do.

But I do hold back (like we all do ) since the wonderful internet is open to the whole world.

I sometimes have some emotions that I just wamt to put out there for a reality check.

But then again, I am not your traditional middle age women, so who in the world can relate to my crazy life!!!

I sometimes find myself writing emails to myself.
Just getting the little things in writing out there in a pretty font  and in the raw.
I write the things that you would write in a private diary.

The one thing that I have come to realize is that:

• Age brings on courage.
• Age also brings on a feeling that "who gives a hoot"/
• Age also makes you realize that there is an endpoint and if you dont grab life now, it may just pass you by..

My private diaries also dissect my decisions.
I weigh my thoughts, my actions.
Am I alone in this thinking..

Perhaps..
But then again, it is just so comforting to know.. I that I can put some things out there..
and know that its OK.
Even if there are only echos.. it still a voice ...

love and hugs

be well.

Grounded

Have you ever spent an entire day in bed? That's me today. My band is unforgiving. I am sipping on hot tea and glad it is trickling through. As I mentioned this is a first for me. And to be honest I hope the last. I am also feeling very blue. In a true funk. It's cold outside they say. I wouldn't know. I have the heat cranked up. I am bracing myself. I want to be so brave. I want to show the world that I can handle it all That my shoulders are broad and I need little comfort. Yeah that's what I want. I wish I where smarter and that I was able to figure out how to have made Mark's last days better. I am glad that today is cold and gloomy. It's a good day to be grounded.

Need BAND AID!!!

I have been banded for over 2 years and this is a first for me...

Last night I went out for dinner (I always ask to share with my dinner mate, cause lets face it, I can't even eat a half serving).

The person I was with ordered mussels in red sauce (very garlicky, but very good).  They were soft and I chewed them very well..

Within 30 minutes of eating.. yikes... I got a feeling of "oh no".. this is not going to stay with me.
I felt like an idiot, because I got up from the table and made three separate trips to the rest room thinking the worst was going to happen.

Well the third time was a charm, and I got sick (big time)..

I was thinking it was the mussels that made me sick, but the other person had no problem.. so it had to be me..

I really really really wanted to GO HOME at that point. 
To give you my visual, I cried so hard that my eye makeup was gone.

The person I was with has no idea about my band, and just thinks I am on a very portion controlled diet plan.  Besides that was not the time  to confess such confidential info.

I ached all night long, I thought for sure I had food poisioning and called my friend.. they were fine..

So here I am almost 24 hrs later (well not quite) but I can not keep anything down..
I have tried hot liquids, cold liquids, they just wont stay down.
So my food posion theory is out the window.

This is a first for me, and has me a little nervous.'
I am not starving or hungry, I just don't want this to be an event that is leading to something more serious.
I JUST REALIZED TODAY IS FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!
Good Lord.. I am superstitious... or maybe I am DOOMED!!!

I know I am rambling here.. but I feel like my stomach had just completely closed off,
I am sure there is a bit of swelling around my band, but shouldn't there be sufficient space for liquids to go down?

And through all of this, the fat me inside of me if I have seen my last days of eating a peanut M&M!!!
That is what I am worried about!!! Stupid peanut M&M's.
Not if my band slipped, or perhaps injured my self, but will this limit my M&M intake.

Please say a little aspiration for me that my band is not affected.. I really dont want to think of what that could mean...

Up, Down and ALL Around

It's Thursday!!!
I think I am going to survive the week!

Right now I have so much going on in my life and on my  mind.

First, I had a really great B-day... hey, it's not all that bad being a year older.
Next, work is just driving me insane.. so much going on and so much travel coming up.

The blessing is that the weather (YTD) has been a non event. Thank You GOD!!
Last year at this time, I think that many of us on the east coast where just besides ourselves.
I know I was!!

I am still going to the gym, trying to knock off the last 25 lbs.
I seem to go down 5 lbs and then back up 5lbs.. one big roller coaster ride (sounds familiar doesn't it Sandy?)

I think maybe the peanut M&M's could potentially be a hindrance in the scale reduction.. oh well!

I am also in the process of planning my vacations for the year.
Phillies Spring Training in the Spring in Clearwater Florida
To Miami in April.. with a side trip to the Keys (hmm I love the Keys and see a Key in my future home site appointment).

To a wonderful lake in NH in July and off to Canada in August and back to Key West in December.

Sprinkle in some work related training and you can tell that my luggage is going to get some miles on them this year!!

On a deeply personal note:
January will present the date of the first anniversary of Mark's death, January 26th.. We actually had thunder snow last year on that date!
I know I interweave my feelings with my posts; and that should be no surprise. Mark was my life for 35 years... I miss him terribly. I yearn for him to come to me in my dreams.. it happens so infrequently.. I just want to hear his voice.. I still wear his green jacket.  I still try to cling on to his scent with certain articles of clothes.   It's still hard.. I don't want his physical memory to fade.. and it will never fade in my heart.

Big Exhale... and sigh!

So, this old gal, is determined to pick up the pieces, engage, enjoy and embrace
Boy I hope I don't sound too idealistic..
I thrive on structure.
But I am also finding the little hidden surprises in life to be a delight.

To be very open and frank.. it is amazing how, at this point in my life, how much life I have not experienced.  How differently love is expressed and experienced.. having been in a very long term relationship and then to be with someone who was also in a very long term relationship, it amazes me how two people view love and express it (similarities, but differences).  I thought Love is love.. whats to be different about it!!

It has become evident to me, that I have made my life so complex, that it has been a blessing  to see simplicity.
It amazes me that it even exists! 
How can you not have every aspect of your life planned out to the minute.. but some can live that way..

So, in summary,  you can see the bitter and sweet in this post, having lost the love of my life and to have found someone who makes me happy... its a very difficult emotion to put into place...

I have a feeling that life has a few more surprises in store for me..

stay tuned.

On the EVE..

Of the Eve, of the eve of my Birthday...
I don't know why.. but I am really excited about my birthday this year.
WHAT.. am I crazy.. I am going to be another year older!!!

So that you know, I have been celebrating all week long.
You know the BIRTHDAY WEEK CELEBRATION approach.

Although I wish (with every ounce of my being) I could change my situation in life, I have to say my  state of being (both physical, mental and spiritual) is on solid ground.

Here is a reflection on where I was 2 years ago...
Yes two years ago I was younger but was also:

• almost 80 pounds heavier and 7 sizes larger (from a size 22 down to a 10)
• Eating Pizza like it was my job,
• 3 bra cups sizes smaller, yes somethings were manipulated since then
• not as blonde, thank you L'oreal
• on the verge of a nervous breakdown, Grey Goose to the resuce
• about to venture out on a journey to change my physical being not knowing whether this thing called a gastric band would work or not..

Today, so much is so very different for me in every way imaginable.
I am entering this new year, with renewal of my mind, body and soul.

The warmth of the winter sun lets me know its all going to be OK.
It's OK to get older, to feel younger, to be your best.

It's OK to cry, to love, to be yourself.

Yes, on the eve of the eve of the eve of my BD.. it's all going to be OK.

Hugs!

WANTED: A Rich Man!!!

You don't have to be young Or handsome You don't need to be able to sing or play the guitar. Being able to drive at night and rely on only one hearing aid is a bonus. Prefer to have a man with his own teeth vs. dentures. Ability to climb ladders to change light bulbs would be nice. Mushy food desires are OK Pants should be able to stay up on their own and not rely on suspenders for support. But most importantly. If you have the ability to financially support my desired lifestyle of living on the beach and QVC shopping till my fingers drop off then I am the girl for you!!! Please respond to this posting with pictures.

No More Obsessing!!

Everyone is picking their word for the year. I too have given this some thought. After coming off one horrific emotional year, I have decided on the following: to do nothing. No Obessing about weight, goals, or anything. In 8 days I will turn 55. To tell you the truth I don't care to obess about one damn thing. I just want to live my life on my terms under my command. I want to just thrive on life. It has been a difficult and wonderful holiday. I am in a very good place right now. I am content. I have made a commitment to go to the gym 2 to 3 times a week, work with my trainer and put myself on a financial diet. I am going to simplify my life,uncluttered!! I have already sold a number of items on Craigslist. It feels good to reduce the clutter. My social/love life is very good. It is going to be a good year. Be well all. Let's embrace 2012!

It was hard to leave

I really really really did not want to leave Key West.

It's been a long time since I truly had a vacation with no worries no problem and no commitment.

K and I flew first class to Miami where we grabbed a mustang convertible and headed for the drive through the Florida Keys. We stopped for a great lunch and mojitos in Islamorada. And then we headed right in to the incredibly lavish casamarina hotel. Let the pampering begin!!!

We met a great couple from VA. And had some of the absolutely most scrumptious meals.

So here are some snip its from the vacay!!

Of course in the Florida Keys.. they celebrate Christmas just a tiny bit different than the rest of the world.. no snow.. but we did have a bubble machine running non stop to mimic the effect of snow on the beach..

Here is a glimpse of the paradise..

and then there was this guy chillin

We did some crazy stuff..
Like jet skiing 50 miles an hour out in the gulf and flipping over!!!

And then we went deep sea fishing

What would deep sea fishing be unless you caught a champion fish

and VOILA.. here is what K caught

We did up Duvall street a few nights and on the last night we took a catamaran sunset cruise.. we had perfect and I mean  absolutely perfect weather.

And now we are home .. can you say Weather Shock!!!  WHAAA.. I want to go back.

On the NSV side, I wore my swim suit proudly and looked great!!

Hugs to all and a belated Happy Holidays??

Busy, Busy.. BUSY BEEEEEE

yep, that's me...
I have been running in circles just trying to stay on top of things.

I have taken a few days vacation and have packed them with all kinds of fun things from home repairs, to mani/pedi appt and hair appt.

Christmas is going to be very understated, quiet and reserved this year.. and that's OK, its actually how I want it to be.

 On the weight loss front. UGH...  I gotta lay off on the celebration.. this weekend I had friends over and all we did was eat drink and be merry... at this pace, I will be casting for Mrs. Santa Claus.. jeans are TIGHT.. the band .. not so much..

I am still being faithful to my gym PT workouts.. my butt cheeks hurt from squats.. so I am hoping that I make it through the holiday with minimal collateral damage..

I am not sure if I will get to posting before the Christmas holiday.. if I don't I want to wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS.. I will definitely post before the new year.. headin' south baby!!!

The Gym Weight Gain Syndrome

Can you relate to this??
I am busting my butt at the gym and am now 5lbs up!!!
To put it mildly....
wTF
I know what it is that is causing the gain but I just hate seeing the number go up on the scale.
I figure that the shock of new muscles being used is playing havoc on my body.
New muscle is being built while existing muscles are being challenged

I know if I give it some time I wil see that scale start to move in the right direction

So that's the thing. I know all of this and I still fret!!!

Why??

Cause I want it now. I want results now.
Geez. It just doesn't work that way.

Back to the gym tomorrow.
I think I am liking this.

Hugs

Need the Green Jacket

How I knew I would dread these next two months
My mind has been racing these past few days
Completely revisiting last year
Where we were
What was going on
And how terribly bad Mark suffered

A total blanket of sadness surrounds me and weighs on me

I can only think to reach for Marks Green Jacket

I need that memory and the comfort of his arms

I know it is a happy season for all. I don't mean to take away from the beauty of the season. Its just not for me anymore.

I will never be able to associate this time of year with joy.

I just will not be able to leave the memory of Marks last days
And by the thoughts of how Mark suffered.

I wish you could all have known him

My sweet loving gentle Mark.

How I cherish his green jacket.

I miss his voice. And his goodnight kisses.

There will never be another Mark.

TUMMY TUCK CONSULT

Today was my trip to see Dr. M.

Dr. M, brought Thelma and Louise into my life and has been tweaking soem of the fine lines and onset of aging issues.

Today was a maintenance treatment and my TT consult.

He took some picture of T and L, as it is almost 6 months since their arrival.
I asked him what he thought.. and he nodded his head and said what do you think?

He took the 6 months photos and then proceeded to take my TT BEFORE photos.

My biggest question to him was.. what are you going to do with the port as you yank and pull those stomach muscles together...
Hmmm.. he said I would need to go in for an MRI so he could see exactly what we are dealing with the band and port positioning.. 
So thats where we are.. next step MRI.

I am looking at mid January for the procedure.. which he estimates will be a three month hanging in for recovery.  I still have all of the literature to read.. but I am ready.

I continue to go to the gym and work out with my trainer.. Um.. did I tell you I am actually 2 lbs UP!!! WTF.. that was discouraging to see.

On a different note, I finally got my PMD .. personal microderm machine.
ITs awesome.. as some of you know I am a spa junkie and a skin care junkie.
The PMD is not exactly like going to anestitician,  BUT.. it really does do a good job.

I was a big aggressive, but as long as you do a moisturizing follow up.. I think you are OK.

IT states to do it once a week and I am going to stick by that..

Alrighty.. that's about it from my part of the world.

Be well

Hugs

My Heart is Smiling

Honestly..

I feel guilty about it.. but I am happy.
Last night K told me that I am beautiful.
SMILE
He said that I am even more beautiful without make up than with make up.
SMILE
He said that he is the happiest he has been in the last 15 years
SMILE

He said his goal in life is to make me smile and make me happy.

BIG SMILE

I have never lived alone

When I look back on my years, it has dawned on me that I never lived alone.
From childhood, to college years, through marriage, I always lived with someone.
That is up until this year.

That's alot of years of knowing that another voice would be near by, in the next room, just a shout away.

I thought I would fear being alone.
But I don't
At first it seemed devastating
Hard to accept or acknowledge

It kind of went hand in hand with always putting someone in front of my own needs
now both of those factors have been removed from my life.

I dont need to think about where to put the christmas tree or what day to bake cookies or where to hid the presents.
Nope.. dont need to do that..

It's me now.
I have no one to answer to
No need to please anyone

Its sort of a second time around.
Just me.. figuring out how I want to do it over again.

I would have obviously preferred to not be in this position
But I can not change the path life has sent me down.

I am here now..

I have never lived alone

Its kind of quiet

But peaceful

Shut the Front Door!!!

Guess who has become a little gym Junkie...
ME

and Guess who is all about the steam room

ME!!

Ok, have you all frequented the steam room..
Um I am a novice.. but have come to find there must be some unwritten ettiquette to sitting in that room sweating.

I think it all starts in the prep for the sweat.
In the locker room I grab two towels
One for the bench and one to stretch across Thelma and Louise.
Of course the un garbing is an event in its self, because at some point you are stark naked.

Yeah..
That was me on Friday, as this little 80 year old lady sat across from me watching me undress.

Um.. that was creepy.. and I swear I heard her say WOW when the bra came off.. more creepiness.
So I sashayed my way to the steam room set the timer and entered.

Placed my towel (damn I should have brought 2 towels) on the bench and proceed to figure out how to sit and get myself situated so as to not offend anyone entering.

I surveyed the room (which was totally empty) and tried to figure where to position myself.

I didnt want to be the first thing new arrivals would see as they enter.

ugh.. all of this thought for a steam room.

I worried that the napkin size towel would keep Thelma and Louise in place and if I crossed my legs tight enough it would all be ok.. ugh.. why didnt I take 4 towels..

As I finally got myself situated.. the steam Filled the room, and FILLED THE ROOM to the point that I could only see 2 inches in front of my hand.

It wouldnt matter if a SWAT team entered.. no one was going to see me or any of my glory at this point..

I waited .. thinking OK.. what does one do while sweating in a steam room.
I mean there is NO music
No anything.. just the hiss of steam filling the room.

My mind was racing and then I thought to myself WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
This is supposed to be relaxing ..

Your mind is NOT supposed to race a million miles a minute.

Sit back
ReLAX
Enjoy.

Live in the moment silly girl
Live in this and in every moment.

Yes I did!!!!

I did it
I joined a gym today
AND
Hired a personal trainer
I figure if I am going to sink dollars into a tummy tuck
I might as well make an effort to get these cottage cheese thighs and ass into shape.

And

I think I will feel better about myself.
My trainers name is Matt.
 I haven't met him yet but my guess is that I am 3X his age.
He better respect his elders and not try to get this old lady to do cart wheels.
Cause that ain't happening.

Right now I am trying to pick an outfit that won't make me look too fat.
Or  normal.
I don't want him to think I am fit either.
  It's all a facade you know.
Like spanxs makes you look better than you really are.
Some workout outfits do that.
I am an overweight middle age old lady. Treat me kind.
Poor Matt.
He is going to work for his money tomorrow

Be well

Trying to Find my HEAD!!

I really really really want to write a positive post.
But I have to tell you.. if it wasn't for some current distractions.. I think I would lose my mind.

I am hurting emotionally on so many levels.

I keep reflecting.. where I was last year at this time, where my head was ...

Feeling of desperation resonate... on some level I am re living it all.

I am now completely off all meds, I found strength.. but now I am not so sure I am holding on to it.

I self examine on three levels.
Mind
Body
Spirit

Mind... trying to maintain sanity and focus to move forward
Body... trying to eat healthy and not resort to slider foods, a sign of emotional eating also trying to not throw up ever time my sanity starts to sleep
Spirit... I have grown spiritually this year... I started the year off hating God..  now I am starting to see that perhaps GOD is God for a reason.. perhaps God is giving me a reality check.

I spent Thanksgiving completely away from my family (my girls included).. not by choice.. it just is the state of things right now...

I will be spending Christmas away from them as well..
I think my girls feel I have failed them as a mother, not being their for their mourning.. perhaps they are right.. but they can't possibly know what is going on in my head..
They have been mourning the lose of their father for 11 months.. I have been mourning this lose for 6 years (since dx)..

For my sanity.. I need to move forward.. I need to be in a different place in life..

Wow.. that was alot to write and get off my chest..

I say to you.. please do not judge me... I am doing the best I can.