I really really really want to write a positive post.
But I have to tell you.. if it wasn't for some current distractions.. I think I would lose my mind.
I am hurting emotionally on so many levels.
I keep reflecting.. where I was last year at this time, where my head was ...
Feeling of desperation resonate... on some level I am re living it all.
I am now completely off all meds, I found strength.. but now I am not so sure I am holding on to it.
I self examine on three levels.
Mind
Body
Spirit
Mind... trying to maintain sanity and focus to move forward
Body... trying to eat healthy and not resort to slider foods, a sign of emotional eating also trying to not throw up ever time my sanity starts to sleep
Spirit... I have grown spiritually this year... I started the year off hating God.. now I am starting to see that perhaps GOD is God for a reason.. perhaps God is giving me a reality check.
I spent Thanksgiving completely away from my family (my girls included).. not by choice.. it just is the state of things right now...
I will be spending Christmas away from them as well..
I think my girls feel I have failed them as a mother, not being their for their mourning.. perhaps they are right.. but they can't possibly know what is going on in my head..
They have been mourning the lose of their father for 11 months.. I have been mourning this lose for 6 years (since dx)..
For my sanity.. I need to move forward.. I need to be in a different place in life..
Wow.. that was alot to write and get off my chest..
I say to you.. please do not judge me... I am doing the best I can.
No judgement here...you have to live for YOU and hope to God some day they will understand. Right now - this is your path. There is no right or wrong....it's just one step at a time. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI think of you all the time. So maybe God put us here to help you out. Never forget our support is always a mouse click away. And if we don't hear from you we will always check up on you. {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteI would never judge you!!! You are right. You have been morning the loss of your husband, your best friend, your life partner since diagnosis.
ReplyDeleteYou are stronger...but you are still in pain. It's okay. No one can put a time limit on your grief. No one can understand your pain. You have a right to it.
You also have a right to move forward in your life. You have a right to honor your husbands memory by continuing to live!!!
Your girls will eventually come around. Until then...keep living your life Barb...keep living your life.
Love you bunches!!
XOXOXOXOXOXO
ReplyDeleteWish you were here!