Dark Days

Do you ever just have dark days.

I do.

I battle the overwhelming feeling of grief.

I try so hard to move forward, but still have days where grief consumes me.

I think I cope fairly well, particularly when I  see how other widows deal with grief.

I try to relfect on all that was good in my life.

The fact that I have a new grandson on the way makes me smile more than anything I have felt in the last 2+ years.

I only wish that Mark could be here to experience the joy that this will bring.

Its a very hard emotion to balance.

Reflection on what was and what will be.

I thank God for the blessings, but still struggle with the fact that my husband is gone.

I want to be positive and focus on the future.

I think I have found someone one that will make me feel safe, secure and loved.

But it will never be the way it was.

So today, I feel the weight of the dark days.

Tomorrow will be different.

I never ever want to forget the ture love I had with Mark.

It was an incredible love that will be with me forever.

It is something that I wish all can experience.

I was blessed.

be well

Life. Always throwing you surprises

I have very little down time these days

That's a good thing because it takes my mind off of things. AND

It's a bad thing because my mind does not fully vet or face the harsh realities and decisions I need to make.

Avoidance is a much easier path in life.

I have a great opportunity right now to pick up and move.

I dread not the relaxation but the physical challenge of the move.

In reality there is not much holding me back in life.

Relationships come and go.

Family, well that's a post for another time ( not today)

I certainly do not feel compelled to stay here and I have great opportunities that have been presented in front of me.

I have neighbors watching for when the "for sale" sign will go up, yet I do not know that I am ready yet. I day dream about the need to get a large dumpster or have a fire sale of my current possessions.

Its all materialistic at this point.  Who really cares, you can't take any of this "stuff" with you when you die.

I have no legacies to leave behind, no grand children to bestow upon , so the reality is there is nothing holding me back from moving forward.

The only real issue I have is that I would rather be moving south than north.

I despise cold weather. But if I can convince myself this is a short term inconvience I will be ok.

So here I sit in decision mode.  Move stay or punt.

It weighs heavily on my mind.

But this too shall pass.

Be well

When you wish upon a star

When you look up into the sky tonight or tomorrow,
Please send off a soft kiss to the twinkling star to the far left.

That will be Mark shining down upon you...

My dear sweet Mark..

Mark will have his one year anniversay as a twinkling star in heaven on Thursday..

I love you Mark..

Private Diaries

Do you ever just feel like letting it all go and use your blog as a private diary?

Sometimes I do.

But I do hold back (like we all do ) since the wonderful internet is open to the whole world.

I sometimes have some emotions that I just wamt to put out there for a reality check.

But then again, I am not your traditional middle age women, so who in the world can relate to my crazy life!!!

I sometimes find myself writing emails to myself.
Just getting the little things in writing out there in a pretty font  and in the raw.
I write the things that you would write in a private diary.

The one thing that I have come to realize is that:

• Age brings on courage.
• Age also brings on a feeling that "who gives a hoot"/
• Age also makes you realize that there is an endpoint and if you dont grab life now, it may just pass you by..

My private diaries also dissect my decisions.
I weigh my thoughts, my actions.
Am I alone in this thinking..

Perhaps..
But then again, it is just so comforting to know.. I that I can put some things out there..
and know that its OK.
Even if there are only echos.. it still a voice ...

love and hugs

be well.

Grounded

Have you ever spent an entire day in bed? That's me today. My band is unforgiving. I am sipping on hot tea and glad it is trickling through. As I mentioned this is a first for me. And to be honest I hope the last. I am also feeling very blue. In a true funk. It's cold outside they say. I wouldn't know. I have the heat cranked up. I am bracing myself. I want to be so brave. I want to show the world that I can handle it all That my shoulders are broad and I need little comfort. Yeah that's what I want. I wish I where smarter and that I was able to figure out how to have made Mark's last days better. I am glad that today is cold and gloomy. It's a good day to be grounded.

Need BAND AID!!!

I have been banded for over 2 years and this is a first for me...

Last night I went out for dinner (I always ask to share with my dinner mate, cause lets face it, I can't even eat a half serving).

The person I was with ordered mussels in red sauce (very garlicky, but very good).  They were soft and I chewed them very well..

Within 30 minutes of eating.. yikes... I got a feeling of "oh no".. this is not going to stay with me.
I felt like an idiot, because I got up from the table and made three separate trips to the rest room thinking the worst was going to happen.

Well the third time was a charm, and I got sick (big time)..

I was thinking it was the mussels that made me sick, but the other person had no problem.. so it had to be me..

I really really really wanted to GO HOME at that point. 
To give you my visual, I cried so hard that my eye makeup was gone.

The person I was with has no idea about my band, and just thinks I am on a very portion controlled diet plan.  Besides that was not the time  to confess such confidential info.

I ached all night long, I thought for sure I had food poisioning and called my friend.. they were fine..

So here I am almost 24 hrs later (well not quite) but I can not keep anything down..
I have tried hot liquids, cold liquids, they just wont stay down.
So my food posion theory is out the window.

This is a first for me, and has me a little nervous.'
I am not starving or hungry, I just don't want this to be an event that is leading to something more serious.
I JUST REALIZED TODAY IS FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!
Good Lord.. I am superstitious... or maybe I am DOOMED!!!

I know I am rambling here.. but I feel like my stomach had just completely closed off,
I am sure there is a bit of swelling around my band, but shouldn't there be sufficient space for liquids to go down?

And through all of this, the fat me inside of me if I have seen my last days of eating a peanut M&M!!!
That is what I am worried about!!! Stupid peanut M&M's.
Not if my band slipped, or perhaps injured my self, but will this limit my M&M intake.

Please say a little aspiration for me that my band is not affected.. I really dont want to think of what that could mean...

Up, Down and ALL Around

It's Thursday!!!
I think I am going to survive the week!

Right now I have so much going on in my life and on my  mind.

First, I had a really great B-day... hey, it's not all that bad being a year older.
Next, work is just driving me insane.. so much going on and so much travel coming up.

The blessing is that the weather (YTD) has been a non event. Thank You GOD!!
Last year at this time, I think that many of us on the east coast where just besides ourselves.
I know I was!!

I am still going to the gym, trying to knock off the last 25 lbs.
I seem to go down 5 lbs and then back up 5lbs.. one big roller coaster ride (sounds familiar doesn't it Sandy?)

I think maybe the peanut M&M's could potentially be a hindrance in the scale reduction.. oh well!

I am also in the process of planning my vacations for the year.
Phillies Spring Training in the Spring in Clearwater Florida
To Miami in April.. with a side trip to the Keys (hmm I love the Keys and see a Key in my future home site appointment).

To a wonderful lake in NH in July and off to Canada in August and back to Key West in December.

Sprinkle in some work related training and you can tell that my luggage is going to get some miles on them this year!!

On a deeply personal note:
January will present the date of the first anniversary of Mark's death, January 26th.. We actually had thunder snow last year on that date!
I know I interweave my feelings with my posts; and that should be no surprise. Mark was my life for 35 years... I miss him terribly. I yearn for him to come to me in my dreams.. it happens so infrequently.. I just want to hear his voice.. I still wear his green jacket.  I still try to cling on to his scent with certain articles of clothes.   It's still hard.. I don't want his physical memory to fade.. and it will never fade in my heart.

Big Exhale... and sigh!

So, this old gal, is determined to pick up the pieces, engage, enjoy and embrace
Boy I hope I don't sound too idealistic..
I thrive on structure.
But I am also finding the little hidden surprises in life to be a delight.

To be very open and frank.. it is amazing how, at this point in my life, how much life I have not experienced.  How differently love is expressed and experienced.. having been in a very long term relationship and then to be with someone who was also in a very long term relationship, it amazes me how two people view love and express it (similarities, but differences).  I thought Love is love.. whats to be different about it!!

It has become evident to me, that I have made my life so complex, that it has been a blessing  to see simplicity.
It amazes me that it even exists! 
How can you not have every aspect of your life planned out to the minute.. but some can live that way..

So, in summary,  you can see the bitter and sweet in this post, having lost the love of my life and to have found someone who makes me happy... its a very difficult emotion to put into place...

I have a feeling that life has a few more surprises in store for me..

stay tuned.